HUMEROUS HAIKU # 1

 

I heard about the

Claustrophobic astronaut

Who wanted some space

WHAT'S E.T. SHORT FOR

Somebody once said to me

“What's E.T. short for?”

I said I really didn’t know,

Which was what he was hoping for,

“He's only got little legs” he said

Which I hadn’t thought of before 

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 12

 

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks

Most are just scrounging off the state

But there is one working as an elocutionist

He doesn’t really communicate

And it scares a lot of the clients

When it says Enunciate, Enunciate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 11

 

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks

Most are just scrounging off the state

But there is one working as an un-packer

He doesn’t really communicate

And it scares a lot of the workers

When it says Extricate, Extricate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 10

 

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks

Most are just scrounging off the state

But there is one working at the Hotel

He doesn’t really communicate

And it scares a lot of the Guests

When it says Remunerate, Remunerate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 9

 

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks

Most are just scrounging off the state

But there is one working as a Miner

He doesn’t really communicate

And it scares a lot of the workers

When it says Excavate, Excavate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 8

 

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks

Most are just scrounging off the state

But there is one working at the theme park

He doesn’t really communicate

And it scares a lot of the visitors

When it says Exhilarate, Exhilarate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 7

 

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks

Most are just scrounging off the state

But there is one working at Tesco’s

He doesn’t really communicate

And it scares a lot of the shoppers

When it says Extortionate, Extortionate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 6

 

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks

Most are just scrounging off the state

But there is one working at the Uni

He doesn’t really communicate

And it scares a lot of the debaters

When it says Expostulate, Expostulate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 5

 

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks

Most are just scrounging off the state

But there is one working at the Old Bailey

He doesn’t really communicate

And it scares a lot of the Barristers

When it says Extenuate, Extenuate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 4

 

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks

Most are just scrounging off the state

But there is one working at the Old Bailey

He doesn’t really communicate

And it scares a lot of the Barristers

When it says Exonerate, Exonerate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 3

 

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks

Most are just scrounging off the state

But there is one working at the Vatican

He doesn’t really communicate

And it scares a lot of the devout

When it says Excommunicate, Excommunicate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 2

 

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks

Most are just scrounging off the state

But there is one working at our uni

He doesn’t really communicate

And it scares a lot of the students

When it says “Extrapolate, Extrapolate”

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 1

 

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks

Most are just scrounging off the state

But there is one working at our salon

He doesn’t really communicate

And it scares a lot of the customers

When it says “Exfoliate, exfoliate”

ON THE MILLENNIUM FALCON

 

On the Millennium Falcon

When things are a bit slow

With time to knock one out,

Which is called a hand solo

KEEPING ABREAST

 

If a fraction of the effort that went into

Research of women’s breasts and their bras

Had instead gone into exploration

Of space, the galaxy and the stars

We would today be operating

Burger joints on the moon and mars

ON THE WAY TO MAYBURY HILL

 

As a young man H.G. Wells had spent an unhappy time living with an aunt in Horsell which was then close to Woking and is now part of the overall sprawl.

So, when he wrote his great science fiction novel, The War of the Worlds, he had the Martians land on Horsell common, in sight of where Wells had once lived.

This enabled him to have that area of Woking become the first to fall victim to the terrifying invaders weaponry.

In the novel the hero of the tale, having witnessed the first meteor fall to earth, was pursued by the merciless tripods from the common and along Maybury hill.

Were the invaders to land today they would have to negotiate a huge six-way roundabout, dissect a one-way system, a no left turn, a no right turn, two traffic light junctions, three pelican crossings and two quite appallingly designed mini roundabouts.

I think faced with the product of 21st century traffic management and in particular Woking Borough Councils ill-judged town planning, that the Martians would have given up and returned home long before they were exposed to the pathogenic bacteria that eventually saw them off.

The world saved by the ineptitude of local government, what Irony.   

ARE YOU WEARING A SPACESUIT?

 

Are you wearing a spacesuit?

Good that makes two of us

Because I'm an astronaut and

My mission is to explore Uranus

KEEPING ABREAST

If a fraction of the effort that went into

Research of women’s breasts and their bras

Had instead gone into exploration

Of space, the galaxy and the stars

We would today be operating

Burger joints on the moon and mars 

MUSIC IN SPACE

 

Round the world they go

In nineteen sixty-five

Orbiting the earth

So high up in the sky

 

Dashing round the world

Above the earth they race

Jingle Bells the song, was

The first one played in space

 

O Jingle bells, jingle bells

Jingle all the way.

Oh! What fun it is to ride

In a spaceship far away hey

 

Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells